Hibernation

One of my favorite moments ever in film is that part in Tootsie where the director calls for the cameras to "Push in for a close up" on Dorothy Michaels and everyone yells in unison, "Not too close!"

I always laugh so hard and it's a line that's especially resonated the past few weeks.  How much do we disclose and reveal?  Especially on social media where everyone seems to be putting their best foot forward.  Where's the line between what we say and don't say?  Between close and too close?  Do we show our imperfections or just keep pulling back the focus so everything looks fuzzy and lovely?

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a little break from Facebook, which seems a little ridiculous - I mean, it's not heroin - but I found myself on it constantly.  It's mindless and a way to connect but also a way to avoid and I feel like I need to be paying better attention, you know, to me, and stuff, and things.

I also realized I don't have that much to say that isn't a great big bummer. Between my mom, the deaths of a few friends, serious illness of several close to me, and other bad news, I feel depressed and unable to pretend the opposite.  Moreover, I don't want to.  And yet, I also don't want to post things like:

Dear Prozac, why aren't you working yet? #impatient

Nope, she's not dead yet. #stillhere

Have spent the past three days dry heaving from anxiety. #veryattractive

Got out of bed today.  #wheresmymedal

Besides work, I haven't been using much of my self-imposed Facebook exile to see other humans in the actual flesh.  People are too messy and I need space.  To quote another great movie, As Good As It Gets, "Go sell crazy somewhere else.  We're all stocked up here." Depression is selfish.  I've got too many emotions so I feel like I'm not a good or supportive friend to anyone right now.  Least of all myself.

So I bought so many books that I may need a GoFundMe to pay my Amazon bill.  I finally figured out Netflix and devoured Orange Is The New Black. I decide that going to jail to get into shape no longer seems like a good idea. Maybe I'll have to diet and exercise after all.  Some days when I can pry myself off the couch after work, I take dance classes.  I laugh at myself. That one time, I may have actually twerked.

If a person twerks and it's not on Facebook, does it actually count?  And can you enjoy it without an audience?

I don't have an answer but I've been thinking about it a lot.  And in doing so, I'm reminded of another great line from Tootsie, "I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore."

Two steps forward, three steps back.

But I suppose it's still dancing.