October is National Bullying Prevention Month.
I think we can all agree: Just as Everyone Loves Raymond, everyone hates a bully.
We all shake our heads when we hear/read stories like bullied bus monitor Karen Klein's, and try to right a wrong, like people did here, raising $700K for her retirement, ensuring that she didn't have to deal with any kids she didn't want to for the rest of her life:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/12/bullied-ny-bus-monitor-ge_0_n_1876039.html
We cheer when people stand up and do the right thing, like Philadelphia Eagles players did here for bullied Nadin Khoury in one of the most memorable bits of television I've ever seen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1JoFBZ7clo&noredirect=1
Or we cheer when victims stand up for themselves, like newscaster Jennifer Livingston does here:
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/overweight-news-anchor-takes-fat-shaming-bully-task-193700343.html
And why are we still bullying people for being gay? Didn't Honey Boo Boo put that matter to rest when she declared, "Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' a little gay. Everybody's a little gay?"
All of this talk about bullying made me think.
Sure, we see cases like the above, obvious acts that should be condemned that compel any thinking, feeling person to react with disgust, but what about the tiny ways that we mistreat each other every day that build up over time and wear us down?
Not acknowledging or listening to one another, delivering tiny digs, holding back affection. I could go on and on.
Aren't those forms of bullying?
What about the images that we see in the media? Real Housewives of anywhere, God love 'em, but you'd be hard pressed to find bigger bullies anywhere.
And not to get too deep here, but isn't our whole political process a giant display of bullying and intimidation?
I remember being bullied as a kid -- which, fortunately, was not very often, but it did happen. I was quiet, soft spoken, and chubby. These girls were older, thin, and popular in their Jordache jeans. I didn't have a voice. And mostly, I was afraid that by speaking up for myself, I'd call even more attention to myself -- reminding them that I was all of the things that they said I was - nerdy, fat, and poor.
My biggest childhood bully friended me on Facebook a couple of years ago and I had a moment's hesitation but I ultimately accepted the request. She clearly didn't know that she had a negative impact on me; she thought we were friends or, more likely, wasn't thinking at all, just mindlessly adding to her list of "friends." I bet she never thought of herself as a bully. But I did.
It makes me wonder, how often does that happen, especially as adults? If
bullying is everywhere, do we even know how to recognize it? And even
more importantly, do we even recognize that behavior in ourselves and
our actions?
More than the traditional bullying moments, I remember cruel remarks
or taunts, most often delivered by those thinking they were well meaning
or helpful. I'm sure we all have those examples.
And somehow, coming from those we respect, love or care for, they seem even more damaging.
I remember when I first became a manager to a lot of people, I realized
that everything that I said was under a microscope. By nature of my
position and authority, my words carried more weight. An offhand comment like, "What are you working on?" could be considered a loaded statement: You're not working, you're lazy, you don't have enough to do, so watch your back, you're going to be fired. Although I consider myself a nice person, I'm also pretty direct, and it's hard for me to sugarcoat, especially when time is tight, and stress is high.
Calm down, we say, I was only joking. God, can't you take a joke? You have no sense of humor.
Or maybe it isn't funny.
My challenge for this month is to be more aware of not only what I put out into the world and how I treat people, but what I take in, because I ultimately think that input affects output. I'll try to find more moments to say the positive things that never get said, and bite my tongue on the negative. And I'll try to remember - huge for me -- that it's more important to be kind than right.
My guess is I'll need more than October to make headway on this, but it's a worthwhile goal.
****
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody
else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a
major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind,
and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
- Ellen DeGeneres
I've been actually really very pleased to see how
much awareness was raised around bullying, and how deeply it affects
everyone. You know, you don't have to be the loser kid in high school to
be bullied. Bullying and being picked on comes in so many different
forms.
- Lady Gaga
