At least that's what we were told. That's what it looked like, but no one ever really knows how these things work. So we gathered close and "prepared ourselves," as we were instructed to do.
She's doing a bit better now, but she won't live through this, in as much as none of us live through this - "this" being life. She's got a serious condition, and is in the final stages of it, so it's not an "if" but a "when." Could be days, weeks, months, who knows?
In the worst of it, there was lots of crying and upset. As my one sister said, "We're going to be 40 and 50something year old orphans."
No matter how old you are, you're never ready to lose your mother. And, having lost our dad 27 years ago, it was almost orphan-time for us but we dodged a bullet. For now.
It's hard to watch someone you love suffer. It's also hard to not make it about you. I found myself Googling, "Can you die from crying?"
As I was with her in the hospital, there was a moment where I crossed into that logical mode where I realized that she was suffering and I couldn't - shouldn't - be selfish and wish her to stay here with me. And I actually managed to articulate that, and felt proud of myself, but then kinda took it all back when I burst into her hospital room a few days later crying asking, "Who's going to worry about me now?"
And because she is more rational and had thought this through and come to grips with what might happen, she started to rattle of a list of names of people who, yes, I had to admit, would take on the mantle of worrying about me if they hadn't already.
And even though I wished I hadn't said it and wished I had kept my composure and been strong for her as I planned and imagined, instead I replied, "But they're not my mother."
HA! Try to come up with a response for that. You can't. I win.
But not really.
I keep thinking about all of the things I haven't done yet that she might not be here to experience with me. I wish I had gotten on the stick sooner and gotten married and had kids because it's unlikely she'll get to experience that with me. I wish I hadn't been such a brat
This past week, my mom has improved and is doing better. She's still in rehab but will hopefully be released. I like to give pizza some of the credit since, at one point, she asked for pizza and seemed to start getting better after that point. Pizza can cure anything, in my opinion, but skeptics might say it was food, period, that helped, because she hadn't been eating for many days. Whatever. I like to think it was pizza. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
We don't know what the road ahead holds and that's scary. But it's been comforting hearing her talk about death and the fact that she's ready for it - even though no one else is. In her words, "Take it day by day, don't project."
Two things I am not very good at.
It's the unfortunate nature of life that nothing and no one is forever. All of our times here are limited. It's not fair, but it's true. My mother has come to peace with her life and as she joked, "I'm not going to have any more kids, I'm not going to have another job, I've done all I wanted to do here, what's left?" To which my sister Alicia responded, "You haven't won the lottery."
And so she went out and bought her a ticket.
Right now, every day we have together feels like a gift - if I were corny, I would say it's kind of like winning the lottery (which I'm kinda hoping doesn't happen because I can see a fight over assets - whose money actually bought the ticket? It's gonna get messy...) She's doing better. I'm grateful for that and I'm doing my best to try to stay in the here and now and not in the tomorrows that are not guaranteed for any of us.
PS: Thanks to all of you who have been supportive during this time. I feel like this has been really helpful to me as a human for future situations with other humans going through difficult times. Texting and email - good. Calls - not so good. Trying - good. Not doing anything - not so good. Distraction - good. Taking the other person's lead - good. Making it about you - not so good. Chocolate and wine - good. Too much chocolate and wine - never good.
xoxo
