I can't believe it has been nearly a month since I posted here. I really am awful and have no good excuse.
It's high time for another installment of Things I Am Loving/Hating Right Now...
Jessica Simpson as the new Weight Watchers Spokesperson: Hating it. Well, I think we all saw that one coming, now didn't we? Rumor has it she's getting $4M. So let me get this straight -- Jessica got to eat and eat and eat and sit on her butt to the point where she actually looked deformed, and now she gets to make money off of it too? I got fat for free. I didn't know you could paid for it. I wish that Weight Watchers would stop with the celebrity spokespeople, who have access to personal trainers and chefs, and pick a real person, like me, who is actually eating their frozen "meals," if they can be called that, and trying to fit exercise into my busy day of work and a$$-sitting.
Summer: Hating it. Maybe it was growing up in a resort town or reluctance to be seen in anything more revealing than a burka, but I am not a fan of summer. I find the statement that work/life slows down in the summer to be a total myth; I'm working just as hard, if not harder, I'm just hotter while doing it. The only things I can see that are decent about summer are The Real Housewives of NYC coming back, trashy summer reading, and the Rock of Ages movie. I can appreciate that other people love the summer, but I just can't get onboard that bus. I'd rather stay inside in the air conditioning. Wake me when I can wear my sweaters again and when Mallomars are back on the shelves.
Summer Reading: Loving it. I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and I couldn't put them down. Yes, they are porn, and poorly written, but somehow they just get under your skin. Like Shingles or something. I highly recommend them. I also loved Heft by Liz Moore, This is How ... by Augusten Burroughs, These Girls by Sarah Pekkanen, I Couldn't Love You More by Jillian Medoff, and eagerly await the new Jennifer Weiner (The Next Best Thing) and the Shawn Colvin autobiography (Diamond in the Rough). I'm sure that 70% of my after-tax income goes to Amazon.com. It's way too easy to One-Click and essentially buy a house or something. When I'm in debtors prison, remind me that the road to Hell was paved with books...
Marina Keegan's Now Viral Last Column: Loving it. A friend I hadn't spoken to, well, in years, sent this to me in the middle of the night Sunday, long before it became a sensation. It broke my heart, and made me cry and made me think, and above all, it made me hopeful.
If you are one of the three people who hasn't read it yet, go here. I dare you to not be moved: http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/?cross-campus
Every day that we are alive we have a chance to turn it around. To do something awesome or waste precious time. To choose to hold a grudge, or finally let it go. To apologize, or let it fester. To take the high road, or be petty and judgmental. To let people know that they matter, or continue to be disconnected and isolated.
Marina's column makes me feel uplifted and hopeful and grateful that I have a gift of another day -- to make mistakes and learn from them, and to try to do and BE better. And I thank Marina for this gift of perspective and send my heartfelt condolences to her family and loved ones.
As she says, "We’re in this together, 2012. Let’s make something happen to this world."
Indeed.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Dr. is In...
I've said it before and I'll say it again: This whole process of healing over the past five months has made me wish that I had gone to medical school. Not so much that I actually think I'd be a better doctor than the doctors I've seen, but perhaps I wouldn't feel so much in the dark and feel the need to consult Dr. Google several times a day.
My friend MaryD, who suffers from a variety of annoying ailments, and I were howling a few weeks ago looking at our Google search history on our phones. Among the winners were: Feel like choking on nothing.
I'd share more but that about sums it up.
And it makes me even more convinced that my acupuncturist was right when he said that Google should only allow you to search the same symptom, say, three times, and then after that, you're locked out, done, you can no longer obsess.
But then what would I do for fun? I've built an entire life around obsessing.
Right now, I'm averaging at least three doctor appointments a week. Most of them aren't helpful. And it's not like I'm being a hypochondriac, which I have been guilty of on many occasions. Each time I go to the doctor, he or she decides I need to come back again or go somewhere else or have a test of some kind that seems unnecessary to me and seems like they're grasping at straws, which maybe they are, and maybe it's no longer helpful to keep going, but I'm too much of a hypochondriac not to follow their advice.
It just seems like sometimes they're not paying very much attention -- like the doctor who called to announce a vitamin deficiency that I already have and take medicine for. When I countered with, "Yeah, I've had that for years, and I take three supplements a day," the reaction was, "Oh, okay, forget that then." Or the URGENT test that I had to rush in to take the NEXT day because I was having horrible symptoms (which I still have) -- and then had to chase the office down for two weeks to get results only to get a voicemail from the doctor saying, "Showed nothing, call if more questions."
Yeah, I've got some questions. Questions like, "Well then what is wrong? And why am I still having symptoms?"
Thank goodness Dr. Google is always there. I can always get an appointment anytime day or night. Dr. Google always has an answer. Dr. Google never keeps me waiting. Dr. Google tells it to me straight: It could be very very serious or it could be nothing at all.
Aside from Dr. Google, I'm pretty sure that the only doctors I would fully trust at this point are Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew. Dr. Oz had put out a call for guests to be on his show and I'm ready to say I'm a man trapped in a woman's body who needs to lose weight (Dr. Oz loves weight loss shows so that would be my hook) just to get close to him. I'd even eat the twigs and eye of newt that he's always pushing on the audience to demonstrate how committed I am to health. But then he'd try to shove me in the Truth Tube, where they announce on national television how much you weigh, and I'd fight like a cat going into a carrier, and scratch up poor Dr. Oz, who, ever resourceful and a teacher at heart (like our Oprah), would use that as an opportunity to demonstrate to everyone how to properly dress a wound and educate everyone on what booster shots we need as adults (tetanus).
So far everyone seems able to agree on two diagnoses:
"Too much" and "A lot."
And by that I mean, when I go in and describe what's going on, they're always like, "Wow, that sounds like a lot" or "You must feel like it's too much."
I agree. And I didn't even go to medical school.
At this point though, I've crossed over into laughing about it. I know that this situation won't last forever and that I will be fortunate enough to feel 100% very soon. I wish it would come quicker, but I know too that my anxiety about feeling better (or not feeling better) is slowing down the process, so I'm my own worst enemy.
When I think about how I felt a few months ago, when my head was pounding 24/7 and I couldn't even open my eyes because the lights were so bright, I know I've come a long way and I'm grateful for it.
As I said, I don't necessarily blame the doctors. As my mother once said, "They're humans too, and they learned out of books just like you did." But as a control freak, it kills me to not know what's going on and to be at the mercy of other people to validate how I'm feeling. One doctor said, "Your neck is really locked up," and my response was, "I know, I LIVE in this body." I've already diagnosed myself for free with much of what the doctors have confirmed.
I'll just wait for the day that Google starts handing out medical degrees from GoogleMed.
Dr. Len does have a nice ring to it.
My friend MaryD, who suffers from a variety of annoying ailments, and I were howling a few weeks ago looking at our Google search history on our phones. Among the winners were: Feel like choking on nothing.
I'd share more but that about sums it up.
And it makes me even more convinced that my acupuncturist was right when he said that Google should only allow you to search the same symptom, say, three times, and then after that, you're locked out, done, you can no longer obsess.
But then what would I do for fun? I've built an entire life around obsessing.
Right now, I'm averaging at least three doctor appointments a week. Most of them aren't helpful. And it's not like I'm being a hypochondriac, which I have been guilty of on many occasions. Each time I go to the doctor, he or she decides I need to come back again or go somewhere else or have a test of some kind that seems unnecessary to me and seems like they're grasping at straws, which maybe they are, and maybe it's no longer helpful to keep going, but I'm too much of a hypochondriac not to follow their advice.
It just seems like sometimes they're not paying very much attention -- like the doctor who called to announce a vitamin deficiency that I already have and take medicine for. When I countered with, "Yeah, I've had that for years, and I take three supplements a day," the reaction was, "Oh, okay, forget that then." Or the URGENT test that I had to rush in to take the NEXT day because I was having horrible symptoms (which I still have) -- and then had to chase the office down for two weeks to get results only to get a voicemail from the doctor saying, "Showed nothing, call if more questions."
Yeah, I've got some questions. Questions like, "Well then what is wrong? And why am I still having symptoms?"
Thank goodness Dr. Google is always there. I can always get an appointment anytime day or night. Dr. Google always has an answer. Dr. Google never keeps me waiting. Dr. Google tells it to me straight: It could be very very serious or it could be nothing at all.
Aside from Dr. Google, I'm pretty sure that the only doctors I would fully trust at this point are Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew. Dr. Oz had put out a call for guests to be on his show and I'm ready to say I'm a man trapped in a woman's body who needs to lose weight (Dr. Oz loves weight loss shows so that would be my hook) just to get close to him. I'd even eat the twigs and eye of newt that he's always pushing on the audience to demonstrate how committed I am to health. But then he'd try to shove me in the Truth Tube, where they announce on national television how much you weigh, and I'd fight like a cat going into a carrier, and scratch up poor Dr. Oz, who, ever resourceful and a teacher at heart (like our Oprah), would use that as an opportunity to demonstrate to everyone how to properly dress a wound and educate everyone on what booster shots we need as adults (tetanus).
So far everyone seems able to agree on two diagnoses:
"Too much" and "A lot."
And by that I mean, when I go in and describe what's going on, they're always like, "Wow, that sounds like a lot" or "You must feel like it's too much."
I agree. And I didn't even go to medical school.
At this point though, I've crossed over into laughing about it. I know that this situation won't last forever and that I will be fortunate enough to feel 100% very soon. I wish it would come quicker, but I know too that my anxiety about feeling better (or not feeling better) is slowing down the process, so I'm my own worst enemy.
When I think about how I felt a few months ago, when my head was pounding 24/7 and I couldn't even open my eyes because the lights were so bright, I know I've come a long way and I'm grateful for it.
As I said, I don't necessarily blame the doctors. As my mother once said, "They're humans too, and they learned out of books just like you did." But as a control freak, it kills me to not know what's going on and to be at the mercy of other people to validate how I'm feeling. One doctor said, "Your neck is really locked up," and my response was, "I know, I LIVE in this body." I've already diagnosed myself for free with much of what the doctors have confirmed.
I'll just wait for the day that Google starts handing out medical degrees from GoogleMed.
Dr. Len does have a nice ring to it.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
So much to say...
Again I promised you I'd post more regularly, and again I turned out to be a liar.
Oh well. Such is life.
Sometimes, despite having a lot to say on a regular basis, too much to say, some might say, I often feel like I have nothing to say.
So today, instead of a post of fully formed musings and deep thoughts, here's a glimpse into what's really on my mind...
Bullying: I literally can't take it if I see another news story about a kid being bullied. It makes my heart and head hurt and makes me want to be a nicer person, which brings me to ...
My Starbucks Nemesis: I am nervous because I have not seen her in a few weeks. I hope she is okay, mainly because I have a new technique for dealing with people who annoy me. Essentially I pretend like my heart is lighting up like ET's and that I love everyone, which brings me to ...
Neil Diamond: Mazel Tov on your wedding, Neil. Look at you, turning on your heart light and marrying a 42 year old lady. I wish I had thought of marrying Neil Diamond. I could do worse. I have done worse, which brings me to ...
Ray J: Seriously, Ray J is getting a $1M endorsement deal? What has Ray J done besides Whitney and Kim Kardashian? So far no one has been able to answer that question. I can't. I just can't, which brings me to ...
Zoos: I went to one this weekend in Philly, and for the first time ever, a zoo made me depressed. All of the animals looked like the people you'd find in a bar at 3 a.m. on a Monday night -- smoking cigarettes and essentially wondering how they got there, which brings me to ...
Marilu Henner's Mega Mind: Marilu claims that she can remember everything that ever happened to her. I have always been a little skeptical of Marilu ever since I read that she decorates her house so that it flatters her hair and skin color. I'm not sure that I would want that as there is plenty I'd like to forget. I think you'd have to be more accepting of yourself than I am to live with that gift. I mean, everything seems like a good idea at the time, right? Which brings me to...
Tanning Mom: This woman from NJ is accused of putting her six year old in a tanning bed. I don't want to believe this, but one look at this woman makes me believe that she clearly appreciates a deep dark tan. I've never seen anything like that in nature, which brings me to ...
Jessica Simpson's Baby: Baby girl is finally here, has a relatively normal name (Maxwell Drew) and is ginormous, weighing in at nearly 10 lbs. Poor Jess seemed to be pregnant forever. I swear, one more week, and that baby would have been giving birth to Jessica, which brings me to ...
Giuliana and Bill Rancic's Baby News: Very happy news that they are expecting a baby via surrogate. For some reason, I like these two, despite the fact that they are kinda media wh*res, which brings me to...
Lisa Rinna's Depends Ad: Apparently, Depends is now making sexy adult diapers, ones that aren't quite so, well, obviously diapers. Lisa says she didn't do it for the money or the buzz, but for female empowerment and for charity, as a fat donation was made to the wonderful organization, Dress for Success. I gotta hand it to Depends for making it easier for those who need to use their product to wear them with confidence, and whatever Lisa's motivation, I say good for her for shining the spotlight on an embarrassing topic, which brings me to ...
Dr. Oz: I have talked about my love for Dr. Oz before, but I watched an episode this week where the good doctor encouraged audience members to ask their most personal questions. I'm not gonna lie, I'm all for being honest with your doctor and not being ashamed of your body, but these questions were essentially causing me to vomit in my mouth a little bit and pray that I never run into some of those people, who clearly walk among us.
It reminds me of the time I was working at NASDAQ with Riina and a CEO came for an event. He had what we thought was a hair on his collar, so we pulled it. I can't remember which of us pulled it because it was a traumatic memory. What we didn't know was that it was actually growing out of him from God knows where, which we only learned when he screamed "Ow" at the top of his executive lungs. Dr. Oz would have wanted me to experience that and realize everyone is human and we all have flaws, but all I can think is, "He is a Manimal."
With the embarrassing revelations, I felt that Dr. Oz had preyed a little bit on their love for him -- why would anyone ever agree to do go on tv and ask those kinds of questions? What would Dr. Drew say about this? Don't they have bosses and family members and friends? Which brings me to...
One of the Great Mysteries of Life: I'm told that everyone, even the most annoying and hateful people, perhaps even my Starbucks Nemesis, have friends and families who love them. Maybe there is good in everyone. I'm still not convinced, but maybe if I leave my heart light on, it'll make it easier to find everyone's lovable qualities.
I'm clearly not as evolved as ET, Dr. Oz, Marilu Henner, or possibly even Ray J, but I'm getting there.
Oh well. Such is life.
Sometimes, despite having a lot to say on a regular basis, too much to say, some might say, I often feel like I have nothing to say.
So today, instead of a post of fully formed musings and deep thoughts, here's a glimpse into what's really on my mind...
Bullying: I literally can't take it if I see another news story about a kid being bullied. It makes my heart and head hurt and makes me want to be a nicer person, which brings me to ...
My Starbucks Nemesis: I am nervous because I have not seen her in a few weeks. I hope she is okay, mainly because I have a new technique for dealing with people who annoy me. Essentially I pretend like my heart is lighting up like ET's and that I love everyone, which brings me to ...
Neil Diamond: Mazel Tov on your wedding, Neil. Look at you, turning on your heart light and marrying a 42 year old lady. I wish I had thought of marrying Neil Diamond. I could do worse. I have done worse, which brings me to ...
Ray J: Seriously, Ray J is getting a $1M endorsement deal? What has Ray J done besides Whitney and Kim Kardashian? So far no one has been able to answer that question. I can't. I just can't, which brings me to ...
Zoos: I went to one this weekend in Philly, and for the first time ever, a zoo made me depressed. All of the animals looked like the people you'd find in a bar at 3 a.m. on a Monday night -- smoking cigarettes and essentially wondering how they got there, which brings me to ...
Marilu Henner's Mega Mind: Marilu claims that she can remember everything that ever happened to her. I have always been a little skeptical of Marilu ever since I read that she decorates her house so that it flatters her hair and skin color. I'm not sure that I would want that as there is plenty I'd like to forget. I think you'd have to be more accepting of yourself than I am to live with that gift. I mean, everything seems like a good idea at the time, right? Which brings me to...
Tanning Mom: This woman from NJ is accused of putting her six year old in a tanning bed. I don't want to believe this, but one look at this woman makes me believe that she clearly appreciates a deep dark tan. I've never seen anything like that in nature, which brings me to ...
Jessica Simpson's Baby: Baby girl is finally here, has a relatively normal name (Maxwell Drew) and is ginormous, weighing in at nearly 10 lbs. Poor Jess seemed to be pregnant forever. I swear, one more week, and that baby would have been giving birth to Jessica, which brings me to ...
Giuliana and Bill Rancic's Baby News: Very happy news that they are expecting a baby via surrogate. For some reason, I like these two, despite the fact that they are kinda media wh*res, which brings me to...
Lisa Rinna's Depends Ad: Apparently, Depends is now making sexy adult diapers, ones that aren't quite so, well, obviously diapers. Lisa says she didn't do it for the money or the buzz, but for female empowerment and for charity, as a fat donation was made to the wonderful organization, Dress for Success. I gotta hand it to Depends for making it easier for those who need to use their product to wear them with confidence, and whatever Lisa's motivation, I say good for her for shining the spotlight on an embarrassing topic, which brings me to ...
Dr. Oz: I have talked about my love for Dr. Oz before, but I watched an episode this week where the good doctor encouraged audience members to ask their most personal questions. I'm not gonna lie, I'm all for being honest with your doctor and not being ashamed of your body, but these questions were essentially causing me to vomit in my mouth a little bit and pray that I never run into some of those people, who clearly walk among us.
It reminds me of the time I was working at NASDAQ with Riina and a CEO came for an event. He had what we thought was a hair on his collar, so we pulled it. I can't remember which of us pulled it because it was a traumatic memory. What we didn't know was that it was actually growing out of him from God knows where, which we only learned when he screamed "Ow" at the top of his executive lungs. Dr. Oz would have wanted me to experience that and realize everyone is human and we all have flaws, but all I can think is, "He is a Manimal."
With the embarrassing revelations, I felt that Dr. Oz had preyed a little bit on their love for him -- why would anyone ever agree to do go on tv and ask those kinds of questions? What would Dr. Drew say about this? Don't they have bosses and family members and friends? Which brings me to...
One of the Great Mysteries of Life: I'm told that everyone, even the most annoying and hateful people, perhaps even my Starbucks Nemesis, have friends and families who love them. Maybe there is good in everyone. I'm still not convinced, but maybe if I leave my heart light on, it'll make it easier to find everyone's lovable qualities.
I'm clearly not as evolved as ET, Dr. Oz, Marilu Henner, or possibly even Ray J, but I'm getting there.
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