Carry That Weight

So many people have weighed in (no pun intended) on the Rex Reed-Melissa McCarthy situation.  Old news, I know, but, candidly, I was debating whether to add my voice to the fray, but, in the end, we all know I just have to have my say, so here it is.

For those who might have missed it, or have forgotten, essentially Rex Reed used a good portion of his review of the recent (I can't in good faith call it "new" anymore given the lateness of this piece) Melissa McCarthy-Jason Bateman movie, Identify Theft, to make negative comments on Melissa's weight, calling her a "female hippo" and "tractor-sized."

I know:  Way to stay classy, Rex.

And I know:  Old news.

In a follow-up interview, Rex went on to accidentally call Melissa McCarthy "Melissa Manchester," which shows you what decade he's stuck in.  Don't cry out loud ... He's so irrelevant, I say with no meanspiritedness, that I thought he was already dead.  Good for you, being alive, Rex.  But anyway, Rex claims in said interview, "I have too many friends that have died of obesity-related illnesses, heart problems and diabetes. … I have helped people try to lose weight, and I don't find this to be the subject of a lot of humor," Reed said.

Yeah, neither does Melissa McCarthy, or any overweight person for that matter.  So what exactly what was his intention?

I'm supposing that Rex is showing his overweight friends some love and helping them lose weight by calling them tractor-sized also?  Nothing says I love you and care for you than calling someone a hippo.  And nothing is more motivating than verbal abuse.   Too bad Valentine's Day has come and gone; I'm sure Rex could have a whole line of Valentine's Day ideas - perhaps a chocolate heart that says, "Eat Me, Fat Pig?"  "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me tractor-sized..."

Now, Melissa McCarthy is overweight.  And yes, she knows it.  It's her business not anyone else's.  And, if, as Rex says, she's made a career of playing overweight characters, good for her, that's her choice, and frankly, none of my business.  Given that weight discrimination is rampant in this country, she's probably one of a handful of people making money off her weight.  But in this country, we vote with money, and if there's anyone out there who thinks she is too "unhealthy" and they don't want to encourage her, they don't have to see her movies.

And let me be straight:  I am not advocating that people be overweight.  On the contrary, as someone who has been overweight 35 of my 40 years, I don't recommend it.   But why do we judge overweight people so harshly?  What is it about them that irks us so much?  Why can't we just let them be?  I guarantee they are aware they are overweight and are struggling -- maybe they've come to accept and love their bodies as they are, and that's their business, not ours.  Sure, there are people who are genuinely concerned about their loved one's health and well-being when they're fat -- I get that, but that's not what's fueling most of the fat discrimination out there and the negative comments.  In fact, research has shown that criticism has the opposite effect on those struggling with their weight.

Every day I'm on Facebook, a community of roughly 400 of my friends, loved ones, and random people I've met in various circumstances.  Most of them I'd be able to pick out of a line-up.  And every day at least one of them calls someone fat as a disparaging remark, or makes a joke at a fat person's expense.

And every time, I cringe.  Because, again, as an overweight person, what I immediately think is, "What do they think of me?"

If this seems a bit deja vu, I've blogged a bit about this before.

You can't hide being fat.  It's out there for the world to see.  As much as I'd like to think that people don't see it, they do.  I've lost 65 lbs in the past few years but I am still far from thin, and I am still far from accepting my body as it is.  And I fear that I may never accept my body.  I am a perfectionist and highly critical of myself and I can almost guarantee that my weight will always be something I'm unhappy with, as much as I wish that weren't so.

I have never been one of those people who is happy with my body overweight.  It just didn't -- it just doesn't -- feel right to me.  I feel that my heavy body weighs me down and betrays my energetic spirit.   And I feel judged.  I have a lot of energy and stamina -- I'm often the first person up and the last one standing.  But I'm sure people would look at me and think the opposite.  That bothers me.  I don't want to be judged on what I weigh.   Love me, hate me -- but make it for a good reason, not because of my dress size.  There are plenty of things to love and hate about me -- you don't need to make that decision based upon my weight.

So when I see or hear a friend make a fat joke, it breaks my heart a little.   First, I wonder if they're that shallow that they are judging ME on my weight.  And if you aren't, and I'm more to you than that, shouldn't others be granted the same courtesy?   If you can see beyond my weight, can't you do the same for others to see their heart and soul and personality and intelligence and humor and worth?  Their humanity?

Then I get offended because I think any friend of mine should have a little more in their arsenal than fat jokes/comments-- can't you be a little more clever than stating the obvious, i.e. making a comment about something the world can see?   Don't you have anything more to add than that?  Any humor?  Insight?  Commentary?  And if a person is truly terrible, seriously is the worst thing about them their weight?  As I've said about Chris Christie, if you have an opinion of him, have it be an informed opinion about his politics and views, not the size of his fleece.

But mostly, these comments just hurt.  I can't hear someone being talked about in a negative way in regards to their weight without feeling it -- because I'm fat too.  The comment applies also to me.  It's like, physics, or something.  A universal truth.  Fat is fat.

And even comments less severe than Rex's -- comments about Lena Dunham's body or Kate Upton's.  They still sting.  How can an average person accept his or her body as it is with this kind of dialogue happening constantly?  PS, I wish that Lena Dunham would put clothes on, but not because she doesn't have a perfect body.  I just don't think it personally adds anything anymore -- point taken.

Being overweight in a thin-obsessed world, you learn to swallow the hurt when people make comments and jokes.  Sometimes you make them yourself  -- they're practically guaranteed to get a laugh -- and feel ashamed.   Doing so betrays yourself and those who share your struggle.

I wonder how Rex Reed's overweight friends (that he claims to have, kinda sounds like, "Some of my best friends are black, I mean, fat.") felt when they read that review.  I'm sure they weren't proud.  I'm sure they didn't feel good. I'm sure they hurt a bit deep down in that place of their heart that has scabbed over from one too many comments.  And I hope at least one of them had some choice words for him to help him understand why his words were so biting.

Just because someone may be taking up more space in the world doesn't give us the right to comment on it.  Melissa McCarthy's body is her body and none of our business.

I'm not here to preach, although I know it sure sounds like it, mainly because writing in this tone is helping me conceal the hurt I feel from a lifetime of dealing with this.  Comments, stares, well-meaning and well-intentioned "advice."   My favorite piece of advice comes from my grandmother, who, when I was 16, recommended that I not buy any additional clothing until I was "thin."  Thankfully I didn't listen because nudity is not acceptable in the workplace, at Barry Manilow concerts, or at Starbucks.  And it's questionable on the subway.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, I just invite everyone to just think twice -- before making a comment about anyone's body or weight -- fat, thin, in between -- think of them as a person first, and let that be your guide. And if that doesn't work, ask yourself "What would Rex Reed do?"

And then do the opposite.

(Anyone care to help me down from this soapbox?  It's a long way down and I'm not wearing my helmet...)