2013, where did you go? You loomed over me for 40 years and then you came and went and didn't even leave a twenty on the nightstand.
How rude.
After all the expectation of the fanfare and the fireworks of turning 40, 2013 kinda felt like a stifled sneeze. It wasn't so bad, but it wasn't that satisfying either.
I had some great times with great friends and wonderful family.
I paid a little more attention and realized who my true friends were.
But even still, I was "too busy" to see the people I loved as much as I would like, and even worse, they were "too busy" to see me. I realized how much that hurts.
I realized how often I claimed to be "too busy."
I kept score.
I was a hypocrite.
I checked email and texted way too much. I fought over text message.
I let most calls go straight to voicemail. And answered most with a text.
I worked too much but took some days off here and there just to do nothing, or, even better, to do the things I love to do. It felt great.
I stopped watching most television and read more.
I gained and lost the same 10 lbs over and over again.
I walked more and took fewer cabs.
I went to the gym only a handful of times, and one of those times, I just went in to use the bathroom.
I enjoyed Mallomars (see above) and discovered I might even like kale just as much.
I threw out bags and bags of clothes that no longer fit although it terrified me to do so.
I threw out some other things I had no use for.
I discovered my collarbones.
I realized I could wear a bathing suit on the actual beach in front of actual people and no one would be harmed.
I lost my temper and felt ashamed.
I said "I'm sorry" and meant it.
I talked way more than I listened.
I spent my 40th birthday in Vegas, spent time with my best friend in NM, saw how beautiful Minnesota is, and caught up with some terrific friends in Texas.
I stopped being afraid of riding the Jitney but am still scared of overhead bins on anything.
I sang out loud.
I embarrassed myself. And didn't care.
I was tired.
I slept too little.
I worried about sleeping too little.
I mourned the days of sleeping until 2 pm.
I was a hypochondriac.
I was ridiculous.
I celebrated the happy events of others without feeling jealous of what I don't have.
I felt lucky to be in control of my own time and not beholden to anyone else, realizing that one day this will change, and I will feel nostalgic for the ability to just go to a movie spur of moment without consulting anyone else or finding a babysitter.
I beat myself up and spent more time second-guessing myself than I care to admit.
I was judgmental.
I obsessed over the tiniest things. Over and over and over again.
I stopped feeling bad for having a cleaning lady.
I realized just how much live theater and live music bring me joy, and saw some life-changing shows (Big Fish, Shania Twain, Paul McCartney, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Pink).
I turned over the metaphorical wheel to other people now and then, even though it felt terrible, we all survived, and it was all okay. I guess.
I learned a lesson from a newborn baby whose life has been nothing but a challenge since he took his first breath and yet he smiles and fights on.
I worked my ass off at work and did some great things.
I raised a lot of money but it's never enough.
I felt proud.
I fought with loved ones, and learned who will hang on, and who will drop off.
I let myself be disappointed instead of saying, "Oh it's fine."
I discovered my target demographic is two year old boys.
I gave up diet soda.
I started to realize that I don't have to do things I don't want to.
I finally relented to something I had put putting off for a long time and kicked myself for not doing it sooner.
I tried to remember that when I looked inside my junk filled closet, but instead closed the door for another day (that has yet to come).
I let things go unsaid and regretted it.
I didn't think before I spoke and regretted it.
I swallowed my pride and was shocked to see I didn't choke on it.
I realized I don't always know what's best for me.
I also realized that sometimes my instincts are spot on and I need to follow them more.
I said yes more times than I said no.
I felt lonely.
I felt loved.
I often felt that I felt lonely more times than I felt loved.
I felt overwhelmed.
I felt guilty.
I felt guilty for feeling overwhelmed.
I felt scared.
I felt excited.
I felt I couldn't always tell the difference scared and excited.
I felt happy.
I felt sad.
I felt happy I put down the potato chips and let myself feel sad.
I felt grateful.
I felt jealous.
I felt ashamed for being jealous when I should be grateful.
I felt old.
I felt young.
I felt lucky to feel all of these things even the bad ones.
And I feel fortunate to have 24 more days of this year to add more to this list.
